Digital ID is coming

Okay, so we’re doing digital IDs now?

Great. Because carrying around a real one in my overstuffed purse was just too convenient, right? Like, I’ve always wanted to entrust my entire identity to my phone, the same phone I dropped in the toilet last week while watching TikToks in the bathroom.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for innovation. I mean, we put a camera on a refrigerator. We’ve got toilets that open when they see you coming, like a butler with a fetish. So sure, let’s digitize our driver’s licenses, medical records, and proof that we were born, just in case someone forgets.

But let me just mention something: I have trust issues. And those issues get real loud when you say things like, “All your personal information will be stored securely in the cloud.” Oh really? THE CLOUD? That magical sky folder where my nudes, my taxes, and my high school essays have just invited my search history to a party.

I don’t even know where “the cloud” is. 

Is it in Ohio? 

Is it on Mars? 

Is it just a guy named Steve with a really strong Wi-Fi signal?

And these digital IDs, they’re all like, “We’ll use facial recognition for extra security.” Man, I can’t even unlock my iPhone without holding it at a very specific angle, under a ring light, with contour. One pimple and my phone’s like, “Access denied, stranger.”

You want me to trust a system that can’t recognize me after one bad Botox appointment? Please. I get more recognition from the self-checkout at El Corte, and that thing still thinks I’m shoplifting every time I buy deodorant.

And have you seen the apps that go with these digital IDs? I downloaded one, and I swear it asked for everything except a blood sample. Full name, address, Social Security number, favourite dinosaur, deepest fear, the last time I cried watching a Pixar movie, like damn, just take my soul while you’re at it.

You know who loves digital IDs? The government. And you know who else loves them? Hackers.

It’s like the best buffet ever: unlimited data, all-you-can-steal. I don’t want to wake up one day and find out I’ve been living in two places and married to a guy in Belarus.

Also, don’t you find it ironic that in a time when people still can’t agree on what a real ID looks like...
I mean, have you seen some people’s old driver’s licenses?
Mine looks like a mugshot taken in a haunted house, we’re now expected to have a perfectly functioning digital version? One that scans perfectly at airports, liquor stores, and Tinder dates?

And speaking of dates… imagine showing up to one, and instead of saying, “So what do you do for a living?” they say, “Can I scan your QR code for proof of identity?” Like no, Rafa. You can buy me a drink and guess my middle name like a normal person.

Let’s be real: digital IDs are inevitable.
The world is moving on. But can we please just make sure the rollout doesn’t feel like a Black Mirror episode? Maybe give me a few months’ notice, a free tutorial, and a hotline I can call when I’ve inevitably locked myself out of my own identity. Again.

So yeah. Bring on the digital ID. Just let me keep a backup paper copy, a screenshot, a photocopy, a laminated version, and one stored under my mom’s mattress. You know… for security.

By Grace Aisling